-Jessica Simpson, Zooey Deschanel, Dean Martin
I’ll be quite honest here: the list of things that I don’t like far surpasses the things I do. And one of the things that tops that very long, very detailed list (above, even, animals and surprises and mayonnaise) is cold weather.
That’s not to say that I am a huge fan of the heat, either; I can pretty much find a general complaint with whatever the temperature is outside. But what really gets to me is the sub-freezing temperatures and the biting winds and the slippery sidewalks.
And, just my luck, that’s exactly the weather that we’ve been having in BIGCOLLEGETOWN this week.
It’s not even the good kind of cold weather, where you get extended periods off of an icy school, for the sole reason to stay at home, avoid the outside world, and drink some hot cocoa. No, it’s been the “walk outside with three jackets on, go to all of your classes, have the gears of your bike freeze over twice, and then get sick” kind of cold weather.
And so, my throat still hurting and my fever still semi-raging, I casually present what I have learned the past two-or-so weeks through this cold weather, or, keeping with tradition, as I would like to call it:
Brandon Wainerdi’s One-Hundreth-and-Eighteenth Irrefutable Law of Life and Love in General: If the weather outside is below forty degrees, don’t even bother getting out of bed. It will only get worse because…:
· Addendum 118.1: There’s no manly way to tie a scarf: While I’m sure, buried in the hallows of Wikipedia or Youtube, there is some manner of a less, shall we say, feminine way to carry a scarf around your neck, I have yet to discover it. And, while the atrocious burgundy and beige knitted monstrosity may be the only thing standing between me and serious bout of lower-chin frostbite, I will definitely not be looking my best with it as an accessory.
· Addendum 118.2: It’s incredibly difficult to lock/unlock your bike with big, puffy ski gloves: As I discovered huddled above my bike one frozen morning, you end up having to decide between the safety of your five-year-old bike and if you want to keep your five fingers.
· Addendum 118.3: Beach Boys songs make everything worse: To be short: hearing “Surfin’ Safari” or “California Girls” while it is sleeting on your head is guaranteed to make you want to scream.
· Addendum 118.4: I am, apparently, unrecognizable with a beanie on: This quasi-compliment was given to me numerous times throughout these past couple of weeks. Why is it a compliment? Because, for one, I hate my beanie, and two, that means I can officially be a master of disguise or a spy.
· Addendum 118.5: Girls look deceptively cuter with their “winter gear” on: This really should be the first bullet because it is definitely the most upsetting. Let’s just say that with all that bundling up, the line between a “good-looking, in-shape” co-ed and a “bad-looking, out-of-shape” co-ed becomes seriously blurred. Gross.
· Addendum 118.6: It takes exactly thirty-two seconds in the cold for my face to become all red and stiff: Self-explanatory. And painful.
· Addendum 118.7: It is impossible to bike around campus without wanting to start crying: Comparatively, it is much much colder on a bicycle, with the wind blowing harder as you skim across the frozen-over roads. Every inch of your exposed body wants to scream. Sometimes it gets so bad that I just feel like crashing into a bush and then curling up into a ball, huddling pitifully for warmth.
The weather forecast predicts that, this week, the temperatures are only going to drop more. So I'd like to make my own forecast: I am personally predicting that I won’t be getting out of bed. You know where to find me, then: buried under blankets and sheets, Beach Boys blaring, and my hideous scarf hanging above my dresser.
